My back pacl has jets.

So, first blog hey?
Yeah what of it?
Nothing its just its a little gay is all.

Yeah, that's what I though about blogs about 3 days ago. Now, I realise they are for cool, intelligent, proactive but most importantly handsome people. A little bit of modesty never hurt anyone. Except me.

In celebration of this monumental occasion, May the fourth, I finally passed go and collected my $200. This days sole purpose, celebrating everything that is Star Wars, gave me the idea like a bolt of force lightning to the crutch to start a weekly rant/idea/adventure/lecture about the daily life of a Bounty Hunter. Extrodinare.

This first entry in TheTwilight Saga is a story from a lounge room in a address far, far away (well a two hour drive, but I'm trying to be dramatic).........

I used to be quite a vivid dreamer, as those of you who know me will know. One of my most vivid dreams unfolded just like this........ Walking around a local hardware store with Wayne looking for God knows what, probably some left handed screw drivers to fix the squeaky wheel on his cab, we catch sight of some suss looking mofo's. We keep our distance from these pieces of Bantha Poodoo while we continue our search for the last lefty screw driver. The problem is that each corner we turn, each aisle we walk there they are! We can't avoid these guys and they start paying more attention to us paying attention to them. It all comes to head in the paint section.

I can't quite remember how but I imagine it was with some quite of witty quip like 'What's up Ronnie Foreskin?' or 'I may be drunk but I'm not irrespective' but it's on. I take the big guy and Wayne takes the small guy. All the play wrestles in the world haven't prepared me for the titanic battle that is about to take place. He has reach I have an advantage in strength. He attacks, we grapple and turn, roll and tumble around on the ground one on top of the other (in a totaly non gay way). Then out of nowhere a chisel comes flying at my  face ( I assume he handily had previously put this in his shopping basket for this exact situation) I fall to my left and he misses, impailling the tin of paint behind me. I see red.

Quite literally, paint is fucking every where. The force it gushes forth from the tin is incredible. He advances and slips on the ever growing  paint slick. Not wasting a second I takes this opportunity to attack. I fight like I've never fought before ( I've never been in a real fight in my life. I know, how much can I know about myself? ). I start with a peoples elbow  to the solar plexus then a sneaky fist to the groin. Every punch, Judo chop and Rassengen hits it's target. I'm Kratos, I am the God of War, quite simply I fucking rule. Sadly, This isn't to last. He takes ascendency again quickly and I'm back to desperetly fending of Chisels and fists from my beautiful face. I look over and Wayne is doing much the same. Not winning but hanging in there.

My next memory is that on our backs completely spent, raggedly gasping for oxygen, tasting what I assume is going to be my last taste of life. With my last vestige of strength I roll my head to the left and see  my opponent as empty as I am and Wayne and his fellow combatant fall exhausted to the floor. I'm not sure how long we are there for but eventually we have regathered ourselves and are back in our origional pairings. Wayne and I, Asshole 1&2. We decide we can't defeat each other in martial combat so it's to be decided with a game of skill. Darts.

The scene star wipes to an endless wall of T.V's and two painted lines 15 metres away on the cement. This game of darts is going to decide who is going to leave this hardware store alive. I am as useless as darts as a stone is at floating in the sea. I'm pretty sure Wayne isn't much better as that little bitch got Zoo bathed earlier that week after loosing a game. We have as much of a chance as Jango did against Windu. No' mother fuckin' chance son. It's my throw first. The two darts closest to the center of the t.v win that round and you must win three rounds in a row.

The real game begins. Round after round each team gets two games ahead then losses, a never ending cycle of disappointment akin to being a being a Richmond fan. This dream has finally turned to a nightmare. I have no idea how long this goes on for, if there is a hell this is it. Then the impossible happens, Wayne whispers in my ear the magical words 'Dude, I'm a Jedi, i'll just use the force. He goes on to hit three dead-eye dick bull's-eye's. Asshole 1 throws. His aren't even close to the center. It's my time to shine. I take a deep breath in, there is no passion there is serenity,  my focus is complete. There is nothing else in the world at this moment in time. A drop of sweat runs down the cleft of my buttocks and comes to rest. I release three darts in lightning quick succesion. They hit straight and true. Asshole 2 limbers up to throw, sweat beading on his forehead and running in rivers down past his cheeks. He wipes his face with his grubby sleeve and gets ready to throw. He doesn't throw badly but he is no match for our force enhanced senses and abilities. It's all up to Wayne now. He places his toes ever so carefully behind the line, closes is eye's and throws his darts so quickly even my enhanced eyes have trouble seeing them. There is an ear shattering bang and a cloud of smoke. The smoke lifts and Wayne's darts are in the dead centre of the t.v screen end to end. Jedi perfect accuracy. We have won.

As soon as the game finishes, we are transformed into our Jedi robes with lightsaber's at our sides. We were part of a sting operation to capture two of the galaxies most dangerous criminals. Operation awesome was a success. We escort the prisoners to a waiting Rebel Alliance drop ship and our mission is comlpete. The galaxy lives to fight another day.

I promise that my weekly blog won't be all bat-shit crazy dreams but this one seemed a fitting place to start. Horrible grammar aside I hope this was mildly enjoyable and hey they can't get any worse. Right?

Yoto, yoto.
( He says thatdespite his diminuative feminine stature, he is in fact a legitimate bounty hunter)